Strength vs. Scale

This is a big one. A big, tough important one.

I'm not sure I can say anything new about how the media (also, the world) makes women feel. (Ok, all people. Guys, I'm sure the world makes you feel all kinds of crap about yourself too, but I better understand what it's trying to tell the ladies). You get it. You'll walk around all day feeling pretty awesome about yourself and then you pass a model on the street and suddenly you feel huge and vow never to eat again. {Is this just a New York problem? I swear to god I pass so many models on the street it seems statistically impossible}

I'm pretty sure most women feel like to be super hot they should be striving to basically stop existing. That's why our clothing sizes make no sense. Like for dudes, your size is an actual number that correlates to a measurement of your body. Makes sense. Ladies sizes are like WhatTheFuckAreYouEvenBasingThatOn. Like what the fuck is "0"?! I am a size "0" in most stores and every time I try it on I'm just like WTF that is not a size! I do not measure zero inches! I exist, I swear. Worse, I went shopping with my mom and in Ann Taylor Loft I am a size double zero petite. Like, bitch, who you callin' a double zero? Fuck you. BUT everyone is so obsessed with small numbers.

The other number we're all obsessed with is weight. Everything (esp. for women) is all like "loose weight!" "drop pounds!" so we're all like trying to be zero everything all the time. Which is what makes girls in their heads go "Aiight well I'll just stop eating and run forever and then I will be so small I will collect all the zeros and be the smallest number winner and win at life".

I have definitely felt that way for most of my life. Obvi, this creates all kinds of fucked up mental problems because that's not actually a healthy mindset, and it's for sure not sustainable because you brain/body needs like fucking nutrients to keep you alive and shit.

Like I mentioned in my first post, when I first started actually lifting weights I was terrified of "getting bulky". There are some photos of female body builders that are absolutely terrifying and for some fucked up reason I was afraid that lifting was going to make me look like that. (Yes, this is ridiculous. Those women work HARD to look like that). But whatever that's the thought I had in my uneducated little mind.

When I first started noticing muscle definition from lifting I was like "wooooooaaaaaa, cool!" Turns out, muscles are awesome. And yes, on females. And not only does muscle definition look awesome, it feels awesome too. I'm not a good enough writer to accurately describe how baller it is to actually feel yourself getting stronger, so you're just going to have to start lifting and see for yourself. But I do have one distinct memory of running up the stairs coming out of the subway and actually feeling like Rocky. Mock me if you want but running up the stairs and not getting winded because of pure strength is prettyfuckingcool.

So basically what I'm try to say... is stop obsessing over zeros. 

I'll admit that when I first started my gym rat-ness, I was losing weight. And that was really exciting. Stepping on the scale and seeing a lower number was a visual representation of the progress I was making.

But then I got a little too into it. I figured out that with more cardio, the numbers would get lower. So I was running more and more. At my lowest weight I was 97lbs and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that a sick twisted little part of my brain was full of joy at being the lowest number winner.

That's all well and good... except I was also tired all the time. Instead of feeling energized after my workouts, I felt like I wanted to take a nap (and letsbereal then I would take a nap). And I wasn't able to lift as heavy. I was still lifting but I was pretty much just bullshitting through the weights part of my routine so I could get my skinny ass on the tredmill and hamster it out.

So I'm shifting my focus. 
I feel so.much.better when I'm stronger. I feel my best at a solid 103-105lbs of muscularness. So I'm going to keep my focus on increasing my strength and building muscle, and ultimately achieving a better body composition. Because that, I've learned, is what's really important. And guess what, there's not really a number for that. If you need one to track your progress, get your body fat percentage tested. I started gaining weight when I relaxed the cardio and lifted heavier and at first I got really depressed. Then my friend Steph said she had gone through the same thing and told me to get my body fat tested. She said she had gained weight but had moved from the "acceptable range" to the "fitness range"... which is a TOTAL win, WAY more than a lower number on the scale. I got mine tested too and, sho' nuff, major progress.

I'm gonna write another post about cardio later and my love/hate relationship with it... but I'll save that for another day.

Ninja.
Michael and I were watching that American Ninja Warrior show (which wins for most ridiculous title ever. and stop judging me) but there was this chick on it who is a TOTAL. BADASS. Some dude right before her tried to finish the course, and couldn't And apparently no woman has ever completed it, ever. But this chick BEASTED IT. She finished the whole thing, like a champ. Why? Because she is strong as fuck. Her name is Kacy Catanzaro, check her out:

You think she was able to do that shit because of hours spent running on the tredmill? Nope. She's a gymnast so she's pretty much in the best shape ever. And she's pretty much my new fitness hero. (Also she's only 5 feet tall, and as I'm 5'2 I need a fellow shawty to look up to)

To wrap it up. 
Lifting weights is awesome. Focused, strength training is awesome. I'm going to keep that in mind, focus, and work on my strength. And be a ninjaaaaaaaaa warriorrrrrrrrrrrorsomethinglikethat.

PS: Here's a link to watch Kacey destroy that obstacle course like a little tiny ninja badass.

Failure.

Remember when I said I really like red wine? Yup. I drank some. Even though I was trying not to. Oops.

But, instead of beating myself up over it I’m going to rip myself up over it.

...what? 

I did something I said I wasn’t going to do. So, that’s a failure, right?

Ahhhhh grasshopper, but failure has another definition in the fitness world. If you’re a fitness noob, failure in the gym means picking up a heavy thing and repeating picking up that thing until your body literally just canNOT anymore. That is an incredibly unscientific definition.
Here is a much more eloquent one, in case you’re into that:

Definition: Muscle failure refers to lifting weights to the point where a muscle can no longer contract concentrically. If you're a bodybuilder, powerlifter or involved in competitive strength training, lifting to momentary muscular failure may be part of your training. For the average exerciser, you don't necessarily have to lift to complete failure to increase strength and see results. Make sure that you lift a heavy enough weight that you can ONLY complete your desired number of reps - the last rep should be difficult, but not impossible and you should be able to finish the set with good form.

If you repeat an exercise “to failure” it basically confuses the shit out of your muscles that are used to doing said exercise a comfortable number of times. They get all like whatthefuckisthis?! ... and in response they get all ripped up and then they have to change and grow to accommodate the new activity.

(...you see where I’m going with this yet?)

So what I decided this morning is that every time I have a “failure” in my life (like the wine, or if I decide to eat something that’s delicious and terrible for me, whatever) the next day in the gym I’ll repeat all of my regular exercises to failure.

Thus, using my failures to make me stronger. Literally.

That whole post-workout nutrition thing

When I decide to commit to something I’m often like “AHHHHHHDOALLTHETHINGSATONCE”
Which, obviously, gets overwhelming and impossible.

Like, some days I read so many fitness articles that by the time I finish reading them I’m exhausted and completely unmotivated and just want to sit on the couch, eat a cheeseburger and say fuck it to the whole thing.

So, I’m going to attempt to break my new period of focused commitment to exercise/nutrition into manageable pieces instead of stressing myself out by trying to do everything perfectly all the time and beating myself up when I screw up.

This week I’m focusing on post-workout nutrition, and avoiding alcohol.

When it comes to post-workout nutrition,
there is so.much.information.
That’s one of those things you can read about in every fitness resource available and get 100000 different answers about what to do and what not to do, and what’s the best and what’s the worst and what’s outdated until your head wants to explode.

After taking in just about all the information I can handle, I’ve distilled some key nuggets of info that I feel like hold the most truth. For me. Again, this is based on pretty much nothing other than my own research and instinct and it’s highly likely I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about so this is just what I’m gonna do and see what happens.

There’s a lot of debate around it, but most of what I’ve read suggests there’s value to the “window of opportunity”(i.e., you should eat something within an hour of working out) And this something should mostly be a quick digesting source of protein to repair your muscles you ripped up in the gym, and a carb source to replace your energy. And something about not having fat because it makes the protein less effective, or something.

So, I bought myself some 100% Whey Protein powder (this one, if you care), and one of those little blendy bottles from GNC. And every day this week I’m gonna have myself a little protein shake after my workout. With:








1 scoop chocolate whey
1/4 cup almond milk
1tbsp ground flaxseed
& water.

and I’m gonna eat a banana.



I figure this way I’ll get my quick digesting protein in with the shake and the carbs with the banana. And I don’t really know what the deal is with flaxseeds but they’re supposed to be good for you so I guess I’ll drink some and tell you if I feel any different for it.

As for the alcohol thing... 
I’m an extrovert. I like to have fun and I like to have a good time. I also really like red wine.
But... I also feel much much better physically when I don’t drink. And avoiding alcohol is key to any successful healthy living binge, and also a great, clean beginning. So. I’m gonna try, but I’m also not going to intentionally make myself a social leper because life is hard enough as it is without cutting off friendship and happiness. I’ll keep you posted.

Who am I, anyway?

This is not another motivational fitness blog. 

Don’t get me wrong... I have nothing against motivational fitness blogs. In fact I love them. I’m a little bit obsessed with them. They blow up my inbox all day long with random training tips, recipes I’ll never make, and photos of sweaty chicks. And I like that. 

I wake up every morning and I read the shit out of them. 

And... that’s partially why I’m writing my own blog. 

Let me back up and get into who the f I even am. 

Basically, I’m a 24 year old actress living in New York City doing, well... all of the things that go along with being a 24 year old actress in New York City. Sometimes I feel like that is the greatest thing ever in the world to be and sometimes it’s like ahhhhwhatthefuckamidoingwithmylife... but it mostly airs on the side of greatest thing ever. So, that’s good. 

But... right now I’m going through one of those... things. Those having a lot of feelings things. You know, you get it. I could say it’s “one of those phases you go through in your twenties” and yeah, it’s that, but I’m pretty sure it’s just one of those universally human points of transition in your life where you feel a little confused and occasionally depressed but you also know that your life is good and you don’t really have anything tangible to complain about... and when you talk about your life to other people you’re all “Rah-rah my life is super awesome!” but then you go home and sit on your couch alone on a Friday night and get a case of the bad/sad/empty feelings. 

Louis C.K.  says it best... the “forever empty”(watch that clip and you’ll get it exactly). 

I’m pretty sure there are two ways to deal with this. 

Well that is an extreme oversimplification because there are many, many ways to deal with this but what I mean is... there’s a healthy way to deal with it and an unhealthy way to deal with it. And I’ve tried them both. 

So... some background.

When I first moved to New York and got a big ole case of the really sads I filled the sad spots with alcohol. Lots of alcohol. And then I gained some weight and that made me even more sad plus I felt shitty all the time and then I moved out of New York and back upstate and blamed New York for making me depressed. (Because of course it was New York’s fault)

I moved in with my boyfriend Michael who was living upstate at the time and he’s really into the gym. Like... religiously into the gym. 6 days a week, sometimes 7, nevermissaworkout, super in-shape guy.

Don’t get me wrong, I was always into exercise. Always an athlete in school, blahblahblah, I like exercise and always have. But after the organized sports phase of life was over mostly I would just run a lot. I like running, and I like running outside, but that’s pretty much all I was doing. So I would “go to the gym” with Michael which literally meant just entering the gym building and running like a hamster while he picked up all the heavy things. 

And then finally after a few months of “going to the gym” with Michael I was like... teach me your ways, master yoda. I want you to train me, I wanna workout for real. Long story short, a gym rat was born. 

I got reeeeeal into the gym. Well... ok....not right away. At first I was like “Ewwww no I can’t. I can’t do a push up. That’s haaaardddd. That’s too heavyyyyyy. Nooooo. I don’t wanna” and was essentially the most annoying person to train ever and everyone else in the gym probably wanted to murder me but Michael was a saint and very patiently told me that yes, I could, and that once I finally stopped whining I would figure that out. 

And I did. 

I quit my bitching (which thinking back on, I am very embarrassed about, but whatever, moving forward) and with Michael’s guidance I developed a gym routine that I really liked. He actually taught me his gym routine, and once I got good at it we started doing it together. Same exercises (but, obviously, different weights). 

I was working out like a dude, and I fuckin’ loved it. I got workout gloves. I went every day. And at first I complained that I didn’t want to get “too bulky” but then I learned that as a female you actually have to try really freakin hard to get “bulky” and that I was in absolutely no danger of that in and every position to get stronger and way more toned. 

Fast forward.

I moved back to New York, gym routine in hand. I also started school at the Stella Adler Studio of Acting which was really great for my life in so may other ways that I won’t get into right now because that is not exactly the focus of the story I am trying to tell... but anyway life was definitely better. And it was better because I had structure. Turns out, I really like structure. Whatever, I’m a virgo, we like rules and structures and nerdy things like that. It’s cool, I’ve embraced it. 

Now I had a gym structure for my mornings and a school structure for my evenings. That was great. The sucky part was that Michael was still living upstate so we had to do the distance thing which really, really sucked. So, even though I had my 2 structures that made me very happy I still had a lot of the sad empties flying around in my insides. 

So, I went through a lot of phases to try to deal with that were mostly unhealthy. I read “Skinny Bitch”. I went through a vegetarian phase, and eventually a vegan phase. I have a lot to say about that but I think I’ll save it for another blog post. Basically I was eating terribly under the guise of what I thought was “healthy”, drinking way too much again, and hating on my body big time.

Fast forward again. 

Michael moved in with me in the city. (hoooooRAYYYYY!)

And I asked him for a nutrition plan to go with my gym routine. 

Woooooaaaaaaaa. 

Turns out when you pair nutrition with exercise... fucking magic happens. I know that most people already know that, but at that point I did not.

Ok, to the point already. 

Basically, what I’ve learned from all of this is that my healthy habits get me through tough times waaaaaay better than my unhealthy ones. When I’m being really good about my nutrition and exercise, I feel like a rockstar and my body feels like a superfast well oiled machine that blasts problems out of its way like they’re little ants. So, because I am feeling a lot of feelings lately, I want to get back to a more strict version of my healthy structure. Also, this probably has a lot to do with the fact that I’ve just completed the program at Adler and in the absence of that structure... I need to hold on tight to structures I still have.

I’m sure what I’m really trying to do is fill a hole where school used to be with my lovely supportive network of classmates and teachers and things that I love... but, I’ll deal with the inner Freudian psychoanalytic stuff later. Right now I’m just gonna write a fitness blog. 

But... here’s why I say this is not a motivational blog. 

I mess up. A lot. I get really confused because there is SO. MUCH. INFORMATION. in the health and fitness industry and just when I think I’ve learned a thing I read another thing that says exactly the opposite of that first thing.

I can’t motivate you because most of the time I do not have a single fucking idea what I am even talking about.

I looked into becoming a trainer but this is ultimately why I decided not to. I have a hard enough time motivating myself let alone a bunch of strangers who are just as whiney as I was when I first started.

....but I’m trying. 

I’m really sick of reading the words “my fitness journey” and “it’s a lifestyle, not a diet” so what this is, really, is just me. A person who has discovered they’re really into fitness. Trying to figure it out and probably royally messing it up along the way.

So if you’d like to read about it, for some reason I decided to put it on the internet.

I guess I’m inviting you to come with me for the ride as I attempt to wade through endless information, slough through some bullshit and attempt to maintain a healthy life and a fit bod...while still being 24 in New York City.  Cuz in the end... don’t we all just wanna look and feel good?